​I’ve dealt with depression for as far back in my life as I can remember; it has always had an effect of some kind on how I view the world. I have learned a wide array of coping skills and tricks to keep living and thriving through it, but a lot of times, it does make life a bit harder. However, the most important thing it has taught me is the concept of joy. Since I started seeing this particular trial as an opportunity to depend more on my faith and on God instead of an insurmountable obstacle preventing me from moving forward, my ability to experience His pure joy has exponentially increased. In the quiet moments - in the long nights where my heart seems held down by a relentless weight, when I’m cycling between tears and blank stares - those moments are when I have most strongly felt the bubbling of inexplicable, Godly joy arise within me. A fire that consumes my weak and weary soul with the knowledge that even in the depths of the pain, I can rely on the company of a Father who I can be sure will never leave. He never sleeps, even when the rest of the world does.
 
 I find joy in knowing that I can ask for strength at 3 a.m., and He will lift me up with His mighty hands and relieve the weight tugging on my heart.
 
 I find joy in knowing that this is His way of answering my prayers for humility, by allowing a situation where my human weakness overtakes me and I lift my eyes and heart to the only One who can truly provide me with the courage and ability to push through, and allowing me to get to the point where I know for sure that my own strength is not, and will never be, enough.
 
I find joy in knowing that He became wholly and completely human, subjecting Himself to the full range of emotions that we experience, so that He could remind us that He has been where we are and so is able to comfort us with unmatched levels of empathy and love.
 
I find joy in knowing that in a similar way, this trial allows me to more closely empathize with others in the same situation and share what I have learned about surviving it.
 
Depression is hard and painful and so, so real, but it brings with it innumerable opportunities to experience the joy of being one of His beloved children, and so for all of my days, I will sing praises to my Lord for allowing me to go through it, because I know His plan is perfect.
 
 

Developing a painful chronic illness involves a lot of firsts. Each of these can be discouraging, because they indicate the dying away of your old, healthy life. These are some of the firsts I've experienced:

The first time I...

Had to rest after a shower because I was shaking with exhaustion.

Took a break during a meal because holding a fork was too painful for my hand.

Nearly cried with pain after bumping into a doorway because the my hip felt like it had been stabbed.

Had to stop swinging on a swing set because the pressure of my hands on the chain was unbearable.

Felt that feeling of dread when I realized a flare was imminent.

I distinctly remember the emotions that flooded my mind as each of these occurred. Fear. Anger. Sadness. Confusion.

But I've learned how true it is that big problems make us appreciate the small joys.

Running up the stairs with no pain or fatigue; eating a meal without putting down the utensils; being invigorated by a shower instead of wiped out; waking up energized and comfortable; making a large meal by myself.

I enjoy these because I have experienced the other side. I know pain. And because I know pain, I can know joy. Love. Contentment. Celebration. Chronic illness has taken and will take more, but it has also given me more than I ever imagined. I have wonderful, understanding friends and a supportive family. Thank you.

And that is why I thank God for my illness.

Last night at CYT, I did something that  I never dreamed I would be able to do anytime soon: I performed. Not as part of an ensemble. I performed with one other person, then two other people. I was loud. I cried (as part of my acting). I was confident. Most importantly, I trusted. I trusted in the audience. I trusted in myself. And I trusted in God. I took a literal leap of faith. I had no idea what I was doing, I was scared out of my mind (in a scene where I was supposed to be scared, my trembling was not acting!), and everyone was watching. 
Thinking back on the night, I realized something. That's exactly how we grow. Opportunities arise, and we have the option of sitting in the corner where it's safe and protected, or stepping out and exposing our backs to the world, knowing that anything could happen to us but trusting God to protect us. We will make mistakes. We will get hurt. We will feel sometimes unbearable pain. But we will grow mentally, emotionally and spiritually. We will learn how to trust others and trust God, following His commandment to not be afraid. He's got our back.

This life can be incredibly stressful. Often times, we don't know what to do about it. So we don't do anything. We throw on a smile, stand up straight, and push all of the hurt and anger and sorrow down until we can't feel it anymore.

 The problem is that this doesn't make it go away. The pain simply builds up until we can't stuff it down anymore. This is usually the point where we come home, close the door, and fall on the floor in tears asking, "Why? Why? Why?"

 At that moment, when we are at our weakest, God is at His strongest. When we have fallen apart, that is when He works in us, gently navigating the broken pieces of our hearts, picking them up one by one and carefully weaving His love into each shattered fragment and piecing them back together in the way that He desires. 

When we try to hold ourselves together and pretend like nothing is wrong, we are relying on our own strength because we think it's enough. When we reach our breaking point and admit how weak we truly are, that humility opens the door for God to fill us with His strength and peace. He can mold us into the person He wants us to be. God doesn't scold us for being broken; He holds us with compassion and love until we are whole again. Brokenness is a blessing, for it is then that we are closest to God and most open to feeling His presence. 

EDIT: last night after I finished writing this post, I was listening to Pandora and this song came on. It's called "The Upside of Down" by Chris August, and I thought I would put a link here because it perfectly describes the topic of this post.

http://youtu.be/wrsJL_HlsAs

Tonight, I stayed home from rehearsal sick with something that can feel as horrible as the flu. 

I stayed home sick with anxiety. 

Anxiety disorders can feel impossible to live with. They seem to grab hold of any ounce of confidence and squeeze the life out of it, leaving the sufferer curled up and shaking on the bathroom floor or any other escape they can find. Social anxiety robs you  of the ability to make friends in a normal way, causing you to scrutinize every little thing to make sure you're not pushing them away, like you've done so many times before. I wouldn't wish the sickness or fear that comes with an anxiety disorder on anyone. 

But there is something that makes all the pain and struggling worth it: God. 

I believe that anxiety sufferers can feel the intensity of God's peace and love in a strong and powerful way. They know what it's like to be in nearly intolerable amounts of distress, so when God's love hits, it's clear. The shaking stops. The tears transform from tears of panic into tears of pure love and peace. The entire body is engulfed by warmth. The experience is indescribable and surpasses any earthly feeling. When this happens to me, I know without a doubt that God is with me.  He is always watching over me, and all of His beloved children.

The next time you feel like everything is crashing down on you and you can't even seem to breathe, call on God. Let Him in. Fall into the loving embrace of your Father, for He is always waiting for you to come to Him. 

Our world is obsessed with noise.

            It’s everywhere. Phones going off, small conversations that are happening because we’ve been taught that silence between two people next to each other is awkward, light fixtures, fans, and other various environmental noises. I’m even listening to music as I write this. We have such a difficult time simply being still without receiving any input from outside sources. Our world is loud.

            In producing constant noise, we are going against God’s command to “Be still and know that I am God.” (Psalms 46:10). We say prayers that are full of words that we think will get God’s attention. Modern worship services feature full live bands and upbeat songs. In trying to make God hear us, we are losing the ability to hear Him. We are drowning Him out.

            Of course this does not make God love us any less—nothing could ever do that—but when He speaks to us, it’s not often with a loud, booming voice from the sky.

It is the warmth you feel when you are studying the Bible in the morning accompanied by gentle bird songs, and a certain verse appears to be written specifically for your life at that moment.

It is the calm that rushes over you as you sit on the floor of your room, heartbroken and shaking with tears, wondering why God has given you this trial.

It is the love you feel when you pray with a group of people whom you love dearly and have supported you through everything.

It is the gratitude you experience when you can barely pay the rent, and the cashier at the window tells you that your meal was paid for by the person ahead of you in line at the drive thru.

Take time to listen, and to be still and know that He is God.

A constant theme on my mind lately has been "surrender". We are called to surrender every single part of our lives to God. Our problems, our plans, our hopes, our failures, our dreams. We must give it all to Him. This can be very hard because we have NO idea what He is going to do with it. We just have to trust that whatever happens is in our best interest. He wants us to trust Him with every fiber of our being. A line in the song "You Are" by Tenth Avenue North goes "I give You all of me for all You are; here I am, take me apart." We aren't just supposed to give the parts we want to Him; we are called to give ALL of ourselves. Pride. Hurt. Anger. Fear. Control (which I think is the hardest to give up). Even in our triumphs, we are to attribute them to His great mercy. Once we start to do this, we will feel so much more free and lighter, because He has exchanged His light burden for our heavy crosses. He offered graciously to carry them for us so we don't have to, ever. That's the beauty of God, and we have the choice of either carrying around all our burdens till we drop to the ground, deprived of all strength to continue, or freely giving it all up to Him to carry for us. And the best part of it all is this: He's already paid the price for us.

When I was younger, I experienced neglect and emotional bullying from my peers. This led to permanent mental and emotional damage in my interactions with people, the way I see the world, and most significantly--fear. I became so afraid that every person I met had a hidden motive and wanted to hurt me, so I stopped meeting people and wouldn't allow people into my heart. I never wanted to trust again, but God's plan was different from mine, as often happens. He placed in my life some really special people who were kind and patient enough to show me that they would never hurt me, and they won my heart and became my closest friends. They broke through the wall of fear that I had placed around myself. Or, more accurately, God broke through it. He showed me that there is no real reason to be afraid, because He is in total control of our lives and has everything planned out. Some of my very good friends have just graduated or are about to, and chances are this is a very uncertain time for them. But they have no reason at all to fear, because God has everything all worked out already! My best friend likes to remind me that "The phrase 'do not be afraid' is in the Bible 365 times, so we are only allowed to be afraid one day every 4 years!" God tells us so many times that we have no reason to fear. He is light, and fear is of the devil. Darkness cannot exist where light is present, and that should be very comforting to us. And since we know that God is everywhere, fear has no hold on us. Trust in Him with all of your being, and He will hold you close through the thunderstorms of life.

On the way home from rehearsal last night, I was messaging some of my friends and thinking about how lucky I was to be blessed with such amazing people in my life.  For many, many years I didn’t really have anyone that I could talk to about my triumphs and my heartaches and I prayed and prayed that God would send me someone who would truly understand me, love me, and accept me. I expected someone to come up to me five minutes later and say “Hey, wanna be best friends?” But God does not work that way. His timing is perfect and completely up to Him. At 14 years old I met my first best friend. Then several more friends at almost 15. And at CYT, I was practically bombarded with people whose hearts were full of God’s love, and they each poured out that love to me. I was amazed. Shocked. A bit confused. But definitely thankful. I knew His timing had placed me where I needed to be in order to heal and grow from past hurts. 
         Thinking about all the people He had blessed me with, I started simply crying and saying, “God, I don’t deserve this! I don’t deserve their kindness and love!” And I was honestly right. The love shown to me comes straight from the presence of God in their lives and their desire to show His light to everyone they meet. But none of us deserve that love. None of us deserve His amazing grace. We are sinners. We do and say and think things that hurt Him, even when we don’t mean to. It is our sinful nature, the result of living in a fallen world. But nothing we can ever do will make Him love us any less. He came to Earth and died hanging on a tree after being brutally whipped and tortured because that is how deep His love is for us. Not a single person deserved that kind of love, yet He gave it to us anyway. He did all that so that we could live with Him for all eternity. That is a kind of love none of us can ever begin to fathom.

Humans need company. It’s been proven necessary, and relationships were instituted by God when He made Eve as a companion for Adam. These fellowships can bring us closer to His glory, but can also lead us away. When two people in a relationship, particularly a romantic one, focus on each other to the exclusion of everyone and everything else including God, this can spell disaster  and heartache. God needs to be the center of every single thing we do, think and say. This includes our relationships with other people. We have to keep His will in the very front of our minds, above all else. Ecclesiastes 4:12 tells us that a cord of three strands is not easily broken. This is the reason that God must be the focal point in all relationships. If a couple is focused on God, their love for each other will remain pure and greatly untainted by the world’s views and opinions.